An Update

So once again I am here in the wee hours of morning, 3:30 am to be precise. I have been sleeping like a rock for a few months, and I truly mean like a rock for 12, sometimes 14 hours a night. But for the last three nights I have only gotten around 5-6 hours if I am lucky. I was actually able to fall asleep tonight, (last night) not sure what to call it at this point.
But now that I am up I felt like this was a good time to go to my "journal" and update what has been going on in my life since I last wrote. The new year began and everything was looking great. We were even playing the responsible game with our tax return for the first time in years. We prepaid our rent for a year, little did we know how much we would appreciate and be grateful that we did. On March 22nd, I was told that I would be part of the group that was being Furloughed from Continental on April 11th. At first I was really upset, but I have come to the realization that my Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself and he knew that I needed to be able to spend some time with my kids. So I was able to spend all summer with them and just have fun with them. The only difference being we had a lot less money to work with. I started going back to the temple and it has been great to have the free time to be able to do that. I have been able to spend more time with Mike and strengthen our own relationship with each other. I am not sure if it would be appropriate or not, but sometimes I feel like I should send CO a Thank You card for including me in on the furlough.
I have continued to look for new work, but I am only applying for positions that I would really want if I got them. I have had a few interviews, but I don't think that the right job has come into view yet. I think that I am supposed to be able to send Elizabeth and Grace off to their first days at school. Then go on a trip with my mom before my flight benefits run out. I think that after doing things for myself and for my family I will be able to find that perfect job.
Speaking of school, I can't believe how grown up my babies have become. Elizabeth will be starting 2nd grade and Grace will start Kindergarten all before the month ends. It's amazing how fast they grow up. It will also be nice to spend some one on one time with Megan. She is becoming very grown up and so smart. It is just amazing to see my miracle babies grow up.
the other good thing about being laid off was that I have been able to take some time for myself. I started walking one morning to be alone with my thoughts and I ended up finding it really relaxing. I know go walking / jogging 6.5 miles almost every night. My lungs are starting to function better, I can even do a strait out run for short distances now. The best news of all is that since the beginning of July when I started this, I have lost a total of 26 lbs. It probably has to do with a lot of factors, (stress, loss of appetite, etc) but I like to chalk it up to my hard work on walking.
I wish that I could convey the worries that I do have for my family, which is what I believe is currently what is keeping me up. But to be honest, I don't know how to put them into words. I worry about being a good mom, as well as a good wife. There are moments that I feel like I am exceeding at one but not the other, times where I feel like I have exceeded expectations in both areas, and then there are time where I feel like I have failed all together. I guess I will try once again to sleep on that one and hopefully be able to explain it at the very least when I ocme back.